eye
an i d
an idea
and dio
an idio
a d.o.
i
do
dio
an ideology
an ideal
a deal
the ideal dio
the real deal
the real dio
el oido
el odio
oh, dio
the i
the eyes
el dia
el dio
and I
dio’s eyes
the I’s of dio
the ides
the id
the idiom
the upsidio
the upside of dio
upside down dio
dio, right side up
oh
the d
the i
the o
the -
|
.
July 2012
86 posts
oh deluded silence, besmirched with noisy lips
sucking on these two slenderneck pieces, ebbing edges like fireengine fingernails, nails.
I come upon you jumping out the window @ the 7th floor,
where some girl, green eye’d, rummages about the shards of Saint Ides,
made martyr for tasting just too good
and shes stuffing the grainy glass into her mouth like some kind of last meal.
Suddenly the redden’d swill stitches a perfect bloody thread upon the gray concrete; she coughs, and just keeps on chewing. A minor fissure in her lower jaw spreads
and I realize
those bath salts are really kickin’ in.
I’m drowning in a stream
of consciousness, sucked in by the current
events section of the daily paper
where the cover story will be continued
on A-10, and still is a continuation
of the same story we’ve been telling for eons.It seems history is just a substitute sleeping
at the teacher’s desk
while the kids make paper airplanes
and conduct pencil fights.
It seems construction and destruction
are both born of Father Time
and Mother Boredom.
It seems that all the seams are fraying
and unraveling as I begin to struggle,
and pants will soon be pulled away.
Heckles will follow
if they don’t see me turning blueor crossing the fine line between funny and tragic,
it’s magic though,
how every time I thought I found a quarter
on the floor, it was hidden in my palm
the whole time, and I was just wasting
precious seconds moments before death,
but it still hasn’t come yet,
no, I’m gasping for breath
trying to find my way to the bank
for a much needed soil deposit
on the bottoms of my wet shoes.I’m drowning in a stream
of consciousness, but I’m not ready for the flash.Not quite yet.
You insulted my mind with your insincerity,
hyperboles of pseudo temptations and unused
laughter and I have preserved my intelligence
all this time by figuring you out, letting you play
your game at your own pace but it has been nothing
else but a joke, not even a rigorous stimulation to
my mind and I do not love with my heart anymore
simply because it has been utterly discarded by fate
tortured not too long ago that seems to have taken
force of the way my heartbeats tremble at delicate kisses
and heavenly whispers of a love flowery and everlasting.When a girl’s mind takes precedence over anything else,
she mocks the world with her meticulously clouded brilliance
but you never knew, just played right through me like I was
born to be a statistic to your disgustingly grand scheme and
this is me telling you that you have been played thoroughly;
I applaud you for your courageous efforts but this is as far as
your supposed nobility will guide you through because my mind knows
better to be seduced by your fake climaxes and hasty conclusions.Your womanizer ways do not impress nor triumph the maneater in me.
I laid the girl under the desk and wrapped her thighs around the legs.
I am not infatuated with the idea of a woman
standing above
waiting for arsenic to pull her cheeks up over her eyes.
Honestly, I catch
between my lips and
the price drops.
Smiling at the pictures in the hallway? The south wall. She could
have been
something if I hadn’t come along.
In the early evening she washed her arms with lavender soap, the clocks backward the hands it goes, what are you doing standing the rain with your legs spread, come inside, you’ll catch your death.
Best naked thoughts
deserve blankets of silence
to let their bodies
shudder among another
ebbing noses
against each other;
Whispering into
deep slivers of mirror:
Who shall I belong to?
I favor
myself a
specious
presence,from the
logic
exempt I
am choking
smoking
theparadox
that fills
my mouth
here
nor there
am I
neithereither but
somewhere,
in the
ether the
echo emittedfrom the
beating of
a moth’s
wings, eons
off in the
foreground,
forewarned
for I amterrible and
in a mirror
where I
see myself
only,
intangible
holy and
dripping
blood from
this heart-
felt sleeve.
Vegetable tray workdays
have no nutritional value like celery,
what’s up doc,
hadn’t seen you in a while,
guess it’s the apple intake,
the snake in the garden
took care of the worms,
they squirmed through the dissection.Larry’s erection is hidden
below the conference table,
company fables spread like brie
on a water cracker,
it’s cooler if you save it for lunch,
we talk too much
and always run out of carrots first.Dry mouths collect
speckled white in the corners
like the rims of Ranch dip containers,
keep pouring it on,
we’ll make healthy tasty,
and fuck hasty,
work harder and smarter
and faster too while you’re at it.Hands need to be dirty,
fingers soiled by tuna overflow
from over-stuffed sandwiches,
there’s not enough jobs
to divide all these riches,
let’s make some more.Snacking never works for most
of the hunger pains
and leaves the palate bitter
like a radish
like the last man standing
after a meetingthinking what a gigantic waste of time
it all was,
how things will all be
back to normal
soon.
I screamed red light and cursed like a burning corpse
until there was nothing left but lies drenched in thunder
and you know, time flies without wings so why can’t smiles?Have I been hallucinating people until they let reality
pass by like fight-or-flight? What are stress and motivation,
us multitasking them for survival? At the end of every night,
the rain rains nothing like rain and the moon kisses the sun
and stabs her in the eye until we know nothing else but to
concur with the darkness and walk around with our mind naked,
bumping our spines into doorknobs, trying to free ourselves.I suppose that’s what my life looks like to the masses: getting
into a taxi without wheels, shouting my destination to a deaf
driver and tipping him with my entire life saving just because
my psychosis told me I couldn’t because I was born too normal.I’m not good with my voice so I brush off words lingering
on my dry tongue until something has been inked on crumbled
paper and I know that you know imperfection iswhat makes me perfect.
Do you realize just how cheap words are?
They cost a little more than time and attention
and we spend them, vomit them like we’ve got
all the “one more time”s and “one more chance”s.How do you count time and chances like they
were ever yours to begin with, scribbling promises
on my mind and I chewed on them until my tongue
memorized them and your lies are the prettiest I’ve
ever seen, so mindless and senseless.I should know, I cheated time and ran away with its
hands tucked in the sleeves of my arteries and every
day, they cut the walls out until they see a way out but
they can’t escape because painless death is too merciful.
My face is spoiled and my voice is a wave of undeserving
arrogance but I’m trying, I’m testing my sincerity to devote
to eternity so please, give me one more chance this one time.But time and chances are never given twice, are they?
All I see is a face that belongs to the undefined, mother
tongue gloriously ambiguous, void of transparency.
How we aspire
to the middle-upper
crust of life,the extravagance
and luxury of
do-nothing women,
fake tits and
magazine readingchastising the
famous for their
multi-million
dollar divorces,marriage’s
sanctimonious bane,
they complain,
whilst uninterested
husbands hide in
adjoining roomsworking hard, hardly
self-pleasuring
and self-loathing,stroking themselves
furious and eager,
growing flaccid
at the thought
of wives, fake
bits and magazine
feeding,paying other
people to put
the bullshit into
their mouths.
The covenant of God is quid pro quo
I am in love with myself ten years from now
The danceway is tarred and smells like Lucifer shadow
The neighbors gamble with leathered gypsy kings.
.
The malleable serenity of a universe unwinding:
The dwindling inertia of letters and numbers
.
Consider suicide in a world without ledges
Consider the fantastical parabolas of adolescent love
The fogs gently overcast graybeards and their farces
Ten years from now I will be a gypsy and neighbors with god
.
The austerity of grey matter:
piecemeal invitations into wisdom
.
Music of memories wrinkle deep in the twilight
I know the best places for swimming in the puddles of joy
The city looms bold but is nothing more than wax prisms
Ten years from now dancing I will be in love with god.
Now my soul they will lay
upon the humming hearth
Before flames that lick and lighten
this mournful mortal scourge
For thoughts coalesced
in a pale and painless tryst
Seeping out through the holes
nailed into trembling fistsNo savior am I, nor
martyr, nor servant
Bright-eyed and hopeful
as the blushing Mary virgin
Though lacking the purity
that would accompany such
Thine virtue a vice
to betray my sordid love
For the famine that flourishes
in the thrum of my breasts
The hungry heaving of lungs
that swallow eager for breath
Upon the hearth my messiah,
this flame I shall feed
And transcend from wanton child
to wild deity between knees
We hung our beliefs on crosses
and ornamented them
like Christmas wreaths on front doors
with big crimson bows,
the color of splattered sheep blood
reminding the angel of death
to pass over.There they clung firm to wood splintered
by the fist of a pissed off father
locked out of the house
by his bratty little imperfect creationssnickering in the window
hiding fears behind porcelain veneers,
the cover ups for teeth
knocked out the last time
he got drunk.And so too do they cover up
the chips in the paint,
the evidence of violence documented,while they add another layer of homeliness
above the welcome mat
jealously collecting dirt
on its trampled message.
I drenched my scars in the storm, running
until every part of my soaked body was engulfed
in the rain and the bloody waves trickled down
from fresh wounds down my legs with euphoria-ridden
eyes, carpet-burns on my feet stinging with every tread.The rib cages became defined and prominent during
the last week as I starved myself and danced
like I was under influence with bare feet, letting the
seeds of insecurity and helplessness sprout like weeds
and I pounded on the walls of my heart until it broke,
collapsed on the humid carpet in defeat and cracked
my neck like it was my exhausted knuckles.Nobody knew so they slapped me with their problems
until I apologized and they left, like they were debt
collectors so I pushed away my meal and shut myself
in my room with the blinds down, window sealed, and
danced until the hunger choked itself to death in my
stomach and I found love in the scars of solitude.
Hypocrite indignation of crush mite-shrapnel
liquid spurge.
Sweet potato Judas-kiss easy slip betrayal
fluid tongue.
.
Shame spud easy filter; tile swirl hypnotize;
scorch man roar deadlight hanging grey.
Scab scar knobby hairghost litigate,
green sneer hanged spinal landscape.
.
Crawl and space and stink pouncing powder crack
rage screen musk iron eye decapitation.
Holy shelved orbs saw slant round teeth edging
hook tip cotton mess frame disorder straight rod.
.
Yester-sin firm click gape mouth shock belch
Gurgle vertical and feel the heat sooth.
The rest of badmen trickles ammonia shout scent
I could have had a friend but then she grew to know me.
for Roger Corman and Lorrie Moore
While atomic grasshopper women crawl
Out of the dust of New Mexico, and
The brave scientist and his sexy lab assistant
Stay safe in their narrative bubble,
kids in the back row unstick their feet
In the dark. They vibrate, radiant, watching
But not paying…
Do you know what it feels like to see
with light bulbs, glass stars, for eyes, do you?I burn broken constellations as dreams
because keeping my head down in regression
is easier than allowing ambitions to constantly
light up the filaments in my eyes, letting people
in only to never truly open up. Love at first sight
is beautiful because you can’t find it once the light
runs away with fear and insanity in vanity is the
highlight of youth, courting the rebels to their last
dances before addictions cage them in sunrises.Soul mates are the epitome of nostalgia; how else
would you explain the longing you feel for the one
you love even when you’ve never met, feeling the
synchronization thunder in your mind like missiles?
You start wondering why wandering is so broken but
liberating, much like a prison with the atmospheric
pressure as walls and meteors shower in my heart
with the flow of unnamed passion in the arteries,
lust for love whispering seductively for no inhibitions.When night brews its magic in my eyes, I turn myself
in and dose off in a trance fueled with nicotine and
caffeine, with a flashlight in my numb hands for guidance
because you don’t know, you don’t know how it feelsto have broken shards of light bulbs with fried filaments
as eyes, the mind the switch, binding them in hibernation.
No one can hold me as you do
in the the way you do
with the words,
the points,
the soft
and
mellow
caress
of your
comas.
And
the power
of your petting
holding my eyes
in one single hand, in one
and unique place where you,
dear, know very well.
Even when this makes
no sense at all,
I see and I feel
how much
I need
the twisting
and innocent tone
of every metaphor in your literature.
Because for me, you are like
the final
and
perfect note
that someone gets
pressing the last key
in a piano song.
Fat Barry thought the plan was fairly foolproof. He got the idea from the electronic cigarette he’d started carrying to help him quit smoking. The cigarette operated on water vapor. You’d have to pour in a liquid mixture of nicotine and water into a chamber which would heat it on a low heat, and when you’d inhale it would produce much the same effect of a cigarette, the calming ease of adding nicotine to withdrawal along with the exhale of a smoke like substance. It didn’t feel so much like smoking though, the vapor was a lot lighter, and Fat Barry often missed the burn in his lungs, but he knew it was healthier, and it helped remove a lot of the guilt that often came with watching anti-smoking advertisements showing black lungs and people with tracheotomies. However, the whole purpose of this spiel is not in fact to sell you on the finer points of how health risks are reduced by switching to vapor smoking but to inform you that this is indeed where Fat Barry came up with his plan. It was while he was attending a meeting with the new staff at his new joint, Fat Barry’s Pizza, two days before their grand opening that it hit him. He was refilling the chamber on his e-cig while stressing about what would be the new restaurant’s it factor. Sure, Fat Barry was proud of his grandmother’s sauce recipe, and he felt the list of ingredients were extensive and exotic ranging from the traditional pepperoni to the more rare elk sausage. Still, pizza was one of the most competitive food markets, and Fat Barry wasn’t sure how the place would become a success without something a little extra special. Anyways, he was staring at the bottle of liquid nicotine when it seemed so certain. He’d just figure out a way to infuse this nicotine into his pizza sauce. Was it unethical? Maybe, but Barry had read studies on the e-cigarette’s website about how nicotine as a drug is only mildly unhealthy, about as much as coffee, and that it was truly the smoke and other chemical additives that made smoking dangerous. After thinking about it a few more moments, he knew he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try. It was just too good of a plan. He would quite literally addict the public to his pizza.
Fat Barry skipped out of the meeting early leaving his assistant manager Carl to finish instructing the staff on plans for how the opening would work. He went online and ordered a case of the nicotine solution to be overnighted before using what he currently had at his house to work on a recipe. He needed the nicotine to be noticeable enough to have an effect but not noticeable enough to arouse suspicion. Also, he wanted the sauce to taste as close to his grandmother’s recipe as possible. All night long, he mixed nicotine, tomatoes, and garlic using his favorite wooden spoon along with his favorite stick-free sauté pan. He made five pizzas in all utilizing five different batches of sauce. The winning sauce had the effect of smoking half a cigarette per slice Fat Barry estimated, but he couldn’t get rid of this bitter aftertaste the nicotine kept leaving in the pizza sauce. Still, it wasn’t terrible, and he figured he could always just add more garlic to the next batch he made for the grand opening.
Critical reviews of the restaurant’s opening weekend were one-sided and not in a good way. Every local paper’s food section reported of the pizza sauce’s hard to stomach bitter flavor. One diner, Joan Singletary, commented to friends over dinner conversation on opening night that the cheese and sauce in her mouth had tasted like that awful Nicorette gum she had used to quit smoking a couple years before. She said you never forget a flavor like that, and even still, she couldn’t put two and two together when she was at a happy hour with colleagues from work the next evening and decided to bum a cigarette from a smoking stranger at the bar. In a month’s time, she was back to that same pack and a half a day habit she’d tried so desperately hard to quit for so long before finally succeeding.
In fact, the only success opening weekend had seemed to achieve for Fat Barry’s Pizza was the ability to return former smokers to their previous bad habits. Another ex-smoker, Bill Severenson hadn’t had any nicotine in his system in over ten years. He ate at Fat Barry’s the second night it was open. Two days later, Bill decided smoking a celebratory cigar with his best friend who’d just had a brand new baby boy couldn’t hurt. Bill figured he had really liked the inhalation of cigarette smoke all those years, and since cigar smoke is too thick to inhale, and the nicotine is absorbed through the capillaries in the mouth, it couldn’t hurt to smoke cigars instead of cigarettes. Bill never did smoke a cigarette again, but he did become an utter cigar enthusiast. He bought a humidor and even subscribed to more than one cigar smoker’s magazine. When Bill’s wife left him almost a year to the date after his dining at Fat Barry’s Pizza, she said it wasn’t the constant smell of cigar smoke in the house which caused her to leave him, he had always had a bad attitude, but mixing that cigar smoke in with said attitude proved to be the right catalyst for her to find a good lawyer.
Then there was Kate Anderson who’d said it felt like she was a character inside her own movie when for no reason on the way home from her first dining experience at Fat Barry’s she watched as her own hands maneuvered her car into a parking space at the Stop-and-Go around the corner from her apartment complex, and continued to watch while shouting a muted, no, no, no, at herself as her legs moved towards the doors and then straight to the counter where her mouth blurted out seemingly completely out of her control, pack of Parliament Lights please to the Arab man working the register. She hadn’t had a cigarette in six and a half years and couldn’t explain the sudden urge she couldn’t resist. She’d never known or suspected it to be the pizza.
Neither had any of the other fifteen former smokers who’d all become current smokers again after sampling Fat Barry’s nicotine pie during his restaurant’s opening weekend. One Jerry Ruiz, who’d quit when his doctors warned him of the pre-emphysema condition his lungs were in, picked up again after dining at Fat Barry’s and would die five years later of complications with actual full-blown emphysema, but still no wrongful death lawsuits were filed against the pizzeria, and Fat Barry never had any knowledge of all the damage he’d caused these former smokers.
What Fat Barry had an acute knowledge of was that the ledger sheets on the office computer’s Excel files were still in the far red a year after opening. It turned out that while the nicotine in Fat Barry’s pizza made people go back to smoking, it certainly didn’t do much for bringing in repeat customers. The bitter flavor in the sauce was enough to turn anyone into a one-time-only consumer, and even after Fat Barry stopped using the nicotine in his sauce when he realized it wasn’t working after being opened six months, the damage had already accrued. Fat Barry’s Pizza was closing in on its dreaded lease renewal and seemed destined to become another empty restaurant with an unlit marquee, and a For Lease advertisement in the window.
That was when Fat Barry devised another plan. He would lie about the numbers on the excel file, back it up on to a scan drive, and then burn down his business and try to acquire a quite inflated insurance settlement. Of course, like the whole nicotine pizza sauce plan, his insurance scam didn’t quite turn out how Fat Barry had envisioned it. Three nights before his lease expired, Fat Barry could be seen on a security camera of the used car lot across the street from his place of business leaving the same said restaurant with a gasoline can in hand as smoke was starting to pour out of the roof of the building. The jury at his arson trial only needed fifteen minutes of deliberation before returning a guilty verdict.
Fat Barry is set to get out of prison on a parole agreement a week from today. He will have to meet with a parole officer once a month for the remaining seven years of his fifteen year sentence. Prison was a truly awful place, and Fat Barry still has no clue what he will tell his family when he is inevitably reunited with them about his experience. However, prison wasn’t all bad. Because of a law passed by the state legislation banning all tobacco products from prisons, Fat Barry now hasn’t had a cigarette in over seven years, not even of the electronic variety, and what he told the parole board to get out of jail early as well as what he told his remaining friends and family was a totally true statement. He could say unabashedly that he felt like a completely changed man.
Story #3 in the Song Series. Based on this song by Kaki King.
Jessica says she’ll wait for me.
Her lips work tenderly at the birthmark that sits just below my right earlobe – a faint sunburst smattering of caramel upon otherwise fair skin. She’d once referred to it wryly as a bull’s-eye, teeth gleaming blunt and white in a predator’s smile. For months I’ve had the sense that she will someday devour me; however, as her tongue darts swiftly between her lips, a pink, plush serpent poised to trace the shell of my ear, it dawns on me that, perhaps, she already has.
She is all of the things that I have waited the entirety of my eighteen years to find.
I am entranced by the sweet sort of dominance that her mouth promises, warm and wet as it sweeps languidly down the slope of my neck, teasing, antagonizing. Foreplay, in her opinion, is an act of galvanization. It is flippant and aloof, while artfully maintaining a sense of precision and portended destruction.
giddy like
how it felt when I first lost
a tooth, or when Natalie
refused to kiss me. Instead
I listened to my friend’s iPod
while he brushed his red goatee
against her face and kissed her.
The time: 12:51. I’ll never read analog
the same way again. Later
I challenged said friend
to an air…
Don’t get me started about Jesus. The man
sharted into his robe every once in awhile
just like everybody else. And his father,
woah nelly, if his father really made us
in his own image, he’d be able to die
like he makes the rest of us do. If saying
that is sacrilegious or irreligious or…
If the five-dimensional being
creating my universe
through rapid eye movements
during bouts of unconsciousness
were to wake up suddenly,
I wonder whether he’d call it
a fucked up dream
or a nightmare.
I adored you like the way undefined answers lighten
up the study of numbers more abstract, more beautiful
because it’s all about exact measurements with letters
and numbers that have no origins from the heart.Potential wander lines and curvatures for exponents
but what for? All derive from the start and end at the end;
why would any rational being desire significant increase for
such undesirable concepts, irrationality at its most indefinite
unreal solutions? Imagined theories only divide to mean equal.But you dissected your own heart into an uneven pie chart until
there was nothing left but lines your hands could never intercept.
Thinking I young, supple and good looking…. deserve best the porcelain legs laid by lady before me but never know how to properly say:
ill let you fall gently, killing off the foundations of your web, as I practice with even the smallest of spiders.
I warned you, I warned you
to never drive into the moon’s paths
but run to anywhere except into the setting sun.
Your iced beverage is trapping the ephemeral of twilight
in its plastic cage and the feud between chill and lukewarm
starts, bitterly but beautifully because it’s all worthless, right?The feud is like decimal points removing themselves from wholes
and they all just disappear like sparks from fireworks, gulped
tauntingly by the confused colors in the sky looking west;
east knows none but to sob until morning greets
to never drive into the moon’s paths.I warned you, I warned you
to never lavishly donate sentimentality to the empty.
The contours of a body
convect, through the
valleys of shoulder blades
and primal arched spine,So that skeletons shift
shapes in contrasting shades,
a physical landscape
come to flesh in
this naked wilderness.Heat always rises,
and so do we.With hands, nomadic
sick and…
The sun shone through my window first and
then your window, wherever
you were this morning, I’m sure your sun was warmer
because my eyes were cloudy, light unable
to penetrate
but we made plans for our destined births
and my commitment phobia seemed to mold into useless bones
rooted helplessly in the borders of the inner and outer cores of earth.If I could say one thing, dear wanderer, I am happiest
to have lived the palest life all this time
to welcome you
even when I’m so shattered, so battered, exhausted like
dried leaves falling from the oldest cliffs but
you make my mind of lies somniferous and start dreaming truthful dreams.I could be drunk for all the years of light
if that means
permanence
is achieved with you, because you’re perfect and I will always be first
to blow out the candles for our fated birthdays,
topping dates, sharing months.I thank you sincerely for embracing my flaws, you wanderer of glory.
My love for you will be the only beauty in my ambiguous transparency.Even after infinity stops blessing
us with her gracious kisses,your lady wandering.
is cold when i wake up
in the morning
still hungover
there isn’t a warm spot
or a glass of water
to be found
so i lay there
frozen and beat
listening
to yesterday
laugh at me
So, things
are not
falling
apart, but
things
are not
coming
together
either, and
it is the
awareness
of that, which
cloying,
makes one
feel as though
a heavy
rain is
blowing
sideways
over their
feeble life.
my parents requested that I see a shrink when i was twenty-four. it was the last chance they said. they’d said that before. but something in their eyes told me that this time really was the last chance.
so i agreed to see the shrink.
she was a middle aged woman with a nice set of tits but her face was nothing to look at. bending her over her desk was probably the only option.
interrupting my day dream, she asked me when the last time i used was.
i laughed.
“i don’t know.”
“you don’t remember?”
“not what i said.”
“what are you saying?”i noticed the picture on her sky blue walls. it was a family picture. typical family. a husband who looked like a pencil pusher. belly sticking out and a gray mustache, no beard. probably beat her when they were younger but after he got laid off the first time and she finally got through school and started making the money he took his position as the taker. i could tell his ass was sore from the face he was making in that picture.
three kids. one boy, two girls.
“i’m saying i don’t know.”
“so you don’t remember?”
“lady, i don’t know.”
“was it yesterday?”
“yeah, i used yesterday.”
“was that that last time?”
“i don’t know.”her oldest daughter looked like a goer. maybe if i bent this bitch over on the chair i’d be able to stare at the daughters face. no, that wouldn’t work. her dildo taking husband is sitting next to her. i wouldn’t be able to maintain my erection … i don’t think.
she was getting annoyed, but it wasn’t my fault that she was a fucking idiot.
how could i tell her that i didn’t know the last time i used when i hadn’t quit. the next time is the next time but it’s never been the last time. plus, i was amused. i saw her son giving a blow job to my dealer last night.